


White Sheets

by Thenksmather



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 7 minutes parody, Deflowered parody, F/M, Parody, Self-Insert, beruani - Freeform, crackfic, don’t take this seriously, pokkupikku
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29845644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thenksmather/pseuds/Thenksmather
Summary: You're just a simple girl, but guys pine after you endlessly. Eren, Zeke, Levi, Jean, Porco and Reiner; your little toys to play around with. You live on the fast lane and just want love. Who will be the one to earn your heart?
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Annie Leonhart, Eren Yeager/Reader, Jean/Reader, Levi Ackerman/Reader, Pieck Finger/Porco Galliard, Porco Galliard/Reader, Reiner Braun/Reader, Zeke Yeager/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

Zeke stared at you for a long time, lazily grazing his eyes over your body before pausing and catching the corner of his lip between his teeth. Flustered, You lowered your gaze. 

How could I say that so blatantly? You grimaced, cringing inwardly.

"Y-you can kick me out of your house if this makes you feel uncomfortable..." You whispered, your cheeks heating to an unbearable degree. "I didn't know who else to go to and, uhm, thought you had experience..."

Zeke’s eyes glittered. "Just say it. There's no use beating around the bush when you’re around me. I'll listen,"

You flushed red. "I...there's this guy—"

"You like my brother? Of all the people you could choose, you chose him?"

His face changed perceptively. Internally, Zeke felt bad for his little brother. 

"No, no...not him..." You laughed nervously, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. "I-it's zzzz—Jean! Yes, it's Jean."

Hmm, he thought. I see it. 

"What do you want from me then?" He asked, tilting his head slightly to the left.

"W-we've been dating for a while now and he might want to- " You stopped abruptly, your tongue refusing to further your sentence. 

"Do it?" He raised a brow.

"Y-y-yes sir—uhhh, I mean, yes, Zeke," Your cheeks burned brighter, if possible. He gave you a strange expression. "B-b-bu-but you uhm...if you feel uncomfortable, you can kick me out or whatever."

He exhaled slowly before offering you a mischievous, almost mocking smirk. "So, when two people really love each other, they decide to mix and mingle and enjoy each other—" 

"Could I have a demonstration?" You asked, all fear subsiding suddenly at the sight of his playful, friendly smirk. 

A new expression stole across his face: confusion, followed by pure and utter disgust. His graceful features contorted with repulsion.

"Don't think there's a crash course on that, hun," You took a moment to process this. "Don't think John or Hank cover that."

"Are you considering turning me down?" You asked breathlessly, your heart slowing to a stop.

"Oh..." Zeke did not know how to respond. "Well, I would, but, you know..."

"But what?" You were starting to get angry. "Why are turning down free pu$$y?"

"With all due respect ma'am, unlike you, I am not a hoe," He looked you in the eye as he said it. "I don't go around knocking on peoples' doors begging to be a prostitute—on your own best friend's older brother, no less."

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT, I DON'T DO THAT!" You cried indignantly, your fists shaking. "Is that what you think of me?"

"Kind of, yeah, because of your previous request..." He was silent for a while. "Now, about what you said earlier? About leaving if I feel uncomfortable? Well, I would like for you to do that."

"WHAAAAAAT? Can you not handle this much sexiness in your room?" You asked, overflowing with indignance and desire at his denial. "Did you know your brother smokes weed?!"

Now the confusion returned. 

"Well, yeah, I'm the one who gets it for him. What does that have to do with anything? And how the hell did you get in my house? I thought I locked my door—"

"N-n-nothing—" You stuttered, your confidence gone. "IF I LEAVE NOW, I AM NEVER COMING BACK!"

"Oh, that's the intention," He smiled sweetly. "I'll be counting on it."

You deflated. What does he mean? You were prettier than every girl combined! You made the others look like ogres—like trolls!

"Since you're leaving anyway, let me tell you some things you should know about yourself before you think of making those kinds of requests to anyone ever again," Zeke's lips stretched into a thin smile, sharpening to a scythe's edge.

"But I'm not like other girls! I thought guys liked confidence, and of course—" you paused to motion towards her face, "—beauty."

Zeke made a noise in his throat. Oh, you poor, poor ignorant girl; I am about to destroy you. 

"Was that noise the sound of you getting turned on?" You asked hopefully, lost optimism blooming in the centre of your chest.

He looked apologetic and took a deep breath. "I feel the need to be honest with you because even though I may not seem it, I care about people and think I should save you from humiliation in the future by being candid."

You stayed silent as he continued. 

"Let's see..." He looked you up and down, scrutinizing you further. You felt naked. "You may have noticed I keep looking you up and down. I cannot comprehend how this was made. I have never seen anything like this,” 

A small smile spread across your face. "You really think so?"

"Not like that. Don't flatter yourself. Were your parents conceiving you during a car crash? Your proportions are way off. You look like you reached your adult appearance at twelve and then just grew bulbous after that. You have the brainpower of a mop and you are way too confident with nothing to back it up,"

He stopped for a breath. You were baffled. 

"No wonder your parents left; I would have left too if I had to live with the shame of creating you. I would rather shoot myself in the mouth than have any type of relationship with you. If I see you here again, I will file a restraining order because I am disgusted. I don't know who lied to you and told you were anything less than a hideous, stupid, egotistical, witch-looking skank hoe. Now, please leave and close the door on your way out."

You were quivering in your boots. How could he? I am perfect!

"I'm sorry, did you not hear me? I thought I asked you to leave," Zeke had no patience with you anymore. You huffed and turned around dramatically, slamming the door on the way out.


	2. Chapter 2

Zeke was lethargic. He rubbed his aching joints through the fabric of his button-down shirt. I HATE HAVING ARTHRITIS! SCREW THESE OLD BONES—I'M ONLY 27! 

He paused, inhaling sharply.

Oh, I gotta pick up Eren’s weed from supplier Willy. I don’t agree with him politically, but man, he has some fine grass. 

Ring—ring—

Reiner was calling. 

Shut up, I’m not picking up.

Zeke stepped out of his Tesla and sauntered into the bar, The Warthog’s Tavern, where Annie, Bert and Reiner were sitting. Porco was behind the counter, mixing drinks. 

“AYE, WHAT’S UP, Z-MONEY!” Reiner clapped Zeke’s shoulder roughly, causing him to stumble.

Son of a— MY ARTHRITIS!

“How was med school?” Annie glanced his way. Zeke chugged down his fourth mug of beer, then shifted his attention to his friends.

“I gave open-heart surgery to a dog I fell on and broke…?” He answered through sips. Everyone laughed. He looked over his shoulder and winked at the camera.

Behind this amusing sight, Porco scratched his head, lifting one shoulder as he talked to his boss. “Y/N left early because of something,” 

Hannes shrugged and sipped his brandy. Meanwhile, Zeke stepped forward and grabbed a crate of drinks. 

“Guys, I have to leave early. Have to get weed,” Zeke announced, walking out of The Warthog’s Tavern with the drinks. No one said a word. He slipped into his car and flipped the radio to Taylor Swift. Zeke held his cognac to his mouth and suddenly burst into tears, salty water spraying from his eyes in showers of melancholy. His car was on cruise control. 

“We Are Never Getting Back Together” started playing in the background as he took a swig from his bottle of whiskey, translucent copper dripping down the corners of his lips. 

Zeke leaned back in his seat and drove to the drop-off spot for the weed. 

“Oihhhhh,” Zeke greeted pleasantly. A head of blonde hair poked out from the garage door, pale beneath the concealed moon.

“Oihhhhhhhh,” Mr. Tyber responded, nodding in acknowledgement. “I see you’re back for the weekly supply, my friend.”

Nodding, Zeke reached into his inner coat pocket and withdrew a stack of bills. They reflected in Tyber’s iridescent gaze.

“Zoo-wee mama, that’s some fresh dough, Z mon,” he grinned, reaching for the money and licking his lips. “Yummy.”

Zeke sighed dramatically and attempted to pocket the weed—before it slipped from his halfhearted grasp. Bending to pick it up, his face suddenly twisted into a painful grimace. MY ARTHRITIS—

Tyber shook his head. 

“You’re not wearing a short skirt, man. Who’re you trying to impress with your nonexistent a$$?” He flicked his lighter and lit a cigar. “Tch.”

“Stop trying to be Levi,” Zeke rolled his eyes, hiding his embarrassing tears of pain. His back cracked as he righted himself. “Later, Rapunzel.”

He slid into his Tesla before Tyber could utter a word.

***

Finally, the tears came in full once more.

“WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD?? I’M THE ONLY GIRL IN THIS SCHOOL WITH BANGS, MAGATH!!”

He sobbed into his packets of weed and wiped his snot inside the wrapper. Eat this, gay stupid brother! You’ll never know what it’s like to have ARTHRITIS!

He turned, reaching for the radio and switched the song to “What Makes You Beautiful.” 

“Oh, Harry,” He moaned. “Your British accent is just so damn—“

Lowering the window, more breathless moans danced in the air. Silver beams of moonlight stroked his flushed face like a long-distance lover. He closed his eyes.

“But you simply do not compare to her,” He whispered, his mournful eyes reflecting the argent light. “Her, with her far, untouchable beauty—her dazzling highlights and sorrowful eyes. How is it that she can make even her blemishes look so gorgeous, so alluring?”

Another groan escaped his parted lips as he stared longingly at the moon. He felt as though it were shooting him with its iridescent light, piercing his heart with its beauty, tearing it apart.

“Surrounded by eternal darkness...yet shining so ardently. It’s painful.”

A sudden groan from the back seat interrupted his thoughts. What the hell, am I being stalked? WILLY?! I’m sorry I called you Rapunzel, you better not have been watching this—

You crawled onto the backseat from your position on the floor. Making direct eye contact with Zeke in the rearview, you whispered, “Oh Zeke...” in your most sultry voice. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me… I knew you were lying when you kicked me out of your house and said those things.”

Zeke jumped so hard his head hit the ceiling of his Tesla. He suddenly felt a searing pain in his joints. MY ARTHRITIS—

He inhaled several deep breaths, trying and failing to calm himself. IT'S JUST A HALLUCINATION—I’M JUST DRUNK, THIS IS NOT REAL—

“I’m surrounded by eternal darkness—and my skin is glowing and I’m beautiful! So I know you were talking about me. Well, my shining Prince of Light, your moon is here.” 

Nope, my mind isn’t capable of creating something this ugly, stupid and annoying.

“How the hell did you get in my car?” Zeke choked on his spit. You smiled in response. 

“I snuck in when you went into the bar,” You told him. 

“Did you see and hear...everything?” He asked, visibly anxious. Your hardly contained laughter erupted from your clamped lips against your will. He grimaced. 

“I can’t believe you saw…you can’t tell my friends, Y/N,” He said, his pale eyes lustrous in the waning light. He waited for a reply. 

“Let’s make a deal then,” You smirked, crossing your arms. “One night together, the full package and I’ll keep my lips sealed.”

“Get out of my car,” Zeke exploded. “Now!”

You didn’t budge. He opened the window beside you and exited the car. Grabbing your arm, he pulled you out through the window and pushed you towards the sidewalk. An abrupt, audible crack rang in your ears. Suddenly Zeke’s back straightened and his lips (👄) contorted with tangible pain. 

MY ARTHRITIS—

“Leave me alone,” Zeke hissed, staggering over uneven pavement.

“Eren would never do this to me. He appreciates me,” You winked, pleasured by the firm, almost painful grip he had on your arm. “He’ll appreciate all of me actually—and then you’ll be jealous when you hear his bed shaking behind closed doors.” 

Zeke swallowed his vomit and turned, disappearing into his car.

He’s definitely jealous.


	3. Chapter 3

Jean’s doorbell rang. He flung the door open, inebriated, and greeted you with a “Howdy!” You stared at him. 

“We’re about to start a game. Glad you could make it, my little filly.” 

You blushed and walked in. That’s one hot horse. 

Sasha waved you over and handed you a fruit kabob. You thanked her and scanned the room, drinking in the flurry of activity hungrily. Eren was singing and performing “Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge” by some Indian guy, swinging his sweat-soaked shirt in the air. Mikasa and Armin clapped to the beat, cheering. Meanwhile, Levi and Hange were standing in the corner shooting weed and glancing around, trying not to be seen. You were able to hear Floch sobbing and vomiting in the bathroom. You were mildly concerned.

Suddenly, a hand clamped down on your shoulder, tearing you from your thoughts. A guy you didn’t recognize loomed over you, smirking the Devil’s smile. He spun you around and whispered, “Are you lost, baby girl?” in a thick Texan accent.

“Porco, leave the girl alone!” Pieck pinched his ear and dragged him across the room, Porco wincing and whining mildly along the way. You shifted your attention towards the right and spotted Reiner, who was most likely mourning the death of his social life. You leaned against the futon in Jean’s kitchen and sipped your wine, vaguely wondering where it had come from.

“YOU CHEEKY LITTLE BUGGER—COME ‘ERE, YOU!”

You startled and turned around to see Porco heavily leaning against the door in his drunken stupor, breathing loudly from his escape from Pieck’s watchful eye. You crossed your arms and sighed heavily. “We’re playing a game,” He informed you in a Manchester accent, slightly breathless. “Come on! come on, now!” 

Ugh, so annoying! 

You followed him out of the kitchen and seated yourself along with the other players. Nearby, Eren was doing the worm on the coffee table with the crowd yelling “how low can you go!” Leaping off the table and twirling in the air, he gracefully landed in Levi’s lap. Levi stopped disinfecting his weed to punch Eren in the gut, scowling.

“Tch. Let me finish my weed, you suicidal bast- “ Levi spat before Hange interrupted him with an apologetic smile, saying, “Let him go.”

Levi glowered, spraying Eren with his disinfectant bottle.  
Hissing, Eren rolled off Levi’s lap and slid across the floor. Five minutes later, after searching thoroughly, they found him beneath the futon in Jean’s kitchen.

“Ereh, come on out,” Mikasa called gently. When he didn’t immediately respond, she sighed tiredly and grasped his ankle, swinging him out. Eren growled animalistically. He changed course and crawled into the middle of a pentagram scrawled across the floor by Connie. You gulped down your fourth margarita and marvelled at the sight. 

So this is who I’m going to be wooing?

“Is this a seance for my dead parents?” Eren howled, his blood-shot eyes glowing crimson in the dim lighting. Irritated, Connie threw his marker, watching as it bounced off Eren’s fivehead. He yowled in utter pain, screaming, “MY ARTHRITIS!”

Zeke perked up from his tenth shot of whiskey 🥃. “YOU DON’T HAVE ARTHRITIS, STUPID GAY BROTHER!” He cried through tears, doubling over from his cramps.

Suddenly, a thundering bang startled everyone into silence. Jean dropped his baseball bat and smiled. “Gays and girls, we’re playing Seven Minutes!”

Annie and Bertholdt came out of the kitchen and sat in the circle. Connie threw back the last of his brandy and settled the empty bottle in the center of the circle. He took the first spin. It landed on Sasha. 

Stunned, Porco shouted in a slur, “THAT’S INCEST! THEY’RE BASICALLY TWINS!” He paused to think. “THAT’S TWINCEST!”

Pieck held her hand over his mouth to keep him from talking. Sasha smiled at her gratefully. Connie rose to his feet and held his hand out to Sasha. “Shall we, M’lady?”

“We shall,” Sasha grinned cheekily, following Connie to the closet. A few minutes passed and laughter echoed from its closed doors. 

“Is Sasha laughing at Connie’s thing? Is he that small?” Porco asked in a concerned Australian accent. 

“Nah, he’s pretty big,” Jean revealed off-handedly. He realized what he had said and pretended he had “crucial matters to attend to” upstairs. Porco swung the closet door open, hoping to test Jean’s theory.

Or is it a theory? You revelled, chuckling into your hand.

Suddenly, just as quickly, Porco flew backwards and hit the opposite wall, grease dripping down the front of his shirt. “Sacré bleu—LE COCHONS!!” He exclaimed.

A dead body flew out behind him and knocked him cold before he could change his accent once more. 

“It’s not what it looks like!” Connie shouted after at it, stepping into the light. You spied a book of blood rites in his hands. The closet was dimly lit with candles behind him. “We’re just trying to bring back Eren’s dead parents, is all!”

Behind you, Eren released a grateful sob. 

“We just need a little more time—“ Sasha’s voice trailed out of the closet. They closed the door and ten minutes later, when it was opened once more, they were nowhere to be found. 

Eren looked about frantically, crying, “Does that mean they found my dead parents?”

Nobody answered him. You made eye contact with his glistening green orbs brimming with tears.

“I think they joined them,” You told him quietly. 

His bottom lip trembled—l like sensitive boys—and his eyes began to glow.

“Wayament—hold awn—“

The main door to the room swung open. “Hey y’all, can I join your game and see what the youth are up to these days?”

“ZEEEEEKE!” You exclaimed happily, getting to your feet. He barely finished glancing at you before he walked out the door. Everybody remained silent as you lowered into your previous spot. 

Damn, you thought. At least I have his baby brother!

Suddenly, the silence was broken by the thunder of hysterical laughter rising from the living room. Everyone poured out of the doors at the sound of Connie and Sasha’s voices—all except for depressed Reiner, who was now with Floch, reapplying his makeup.

On the sofa sat Connie and Sasha holding a bright red lump of flesh and glowing with pride.

“IS THAT YOU, MOM?” Eren shrieked, tears of relief flooding his vision. 

“OMMY, MY BABY!” Jean bellowed over him, running down the stairs. 

“That’s not Ommy! That’s Mommy!” Eren exploded, water squirting from his eyes, sprinkling them in his salty despair. 

“Aw, baby boy, don’t cry,'' Porco said, in an Indian accent. “You are a sweet angle.” He stroked his cheeks with the back of his hand and spat out his chewed-up cigarette onto an expensive Persian carpet. You vaguely wondered when he had regained consciousness.

Eren jerked back and cried, sticking the cigarette in his nose and whipping out his snotty weed. “WHERE ARE MY MENTOS?”

Mikasa reached for his hand and gently patted it, handing him his mentos (that were thankfully not snotty...or were they?). 

“Ereh, big boys don’t cry,” She whispered, tenderly rubbing his back. 

Jean got up to grab the lump of flesh and stroked it lovingly. “This is Ommy, my wittle kitty-cat who my dad drove over!” He smiled innocently. “He’s hairless.”

Eren dramatically fell onto a futon, throwing his arm over his eyes in his unfathomable sorrow. Several seconds later, he sighed and reached over to spin a nearby bottle that happened to be at the centre of their hastily formed circle. You crossed your fingers and squeezed your eyes shut, praying.

When you open your eyes hopefully, you see the bottle slow to a stop in front of Porco, who instantly puckered his lips. “Hey mamas—“

You punched Porco in his stomach, causing him to double over in pain. Pieck rubbed his back. Porco quickly turned his face towards Connie before releasing the contents of his stomach onto Connie’s lap—a mixture of daisies and vodka. 

“You okay, brah?” Connie asked, immobile and visibly disgusted. Porco smiled sheepishly before changing direction and dashing out the door. Instead of turning right towards the bathroom, however, he changed course and ran to the kitchen to puke over Jean’s kitchen futon instead, cheering simultaneously. 

“Well Eren, looks like you’re with me,” You called, drawing everyone’s attention back to the game. You were sitting in Porco’s place, the floor completely spotless, pristine to a concerning degree. Levi’s silhouette dissolved into the darkness.

Eren blinked lethargically, as if in a daze, before nodding and gradually getting to his feet. His eyes flashed luminously as he stepped into the closet and softly closed the door behind you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Why did Eren’s eyes flash brightly at the end?
> 
> \- He really wants to do…. you know what 😳, and his bright eyes are side effects of having a boner.  
> \- He is secretly a demon from the underworld and needs a human sacrifice.  
> \- He is angry because he wanted to go with Porco. He wants to kill you.  
> \- He wanted to go with Connie to test what Jean said (who wouldn’t 🥵😩).  
> \- All of the above.  
> \- None of the above, that’s too out of character.
> 
> The answer will be revealed in the next chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy! On Wattpad on our account: thenksmather


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